Lack Nothing

And the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
1 Peter 5:10

I have been indescribably sad lately about leaving. This week has marked the 4-month mark: 4 months till I leave for Miami and walk away from everyone I love and the life that has especially recently been so richly blessed by others. I have been shocked at how emotional and difficult I am already taking this; I feel so silly and stupid for already making such a big deal about it in my heart, but on the other hand, I feel grateful that God is preparing my heart now (NOW, while I'm still surrounded by encouragement and love and a strong community), versus leaving without having considered the cost and being shocked at the pain once I've left. I guess I feel like this chapter of my life - that of my "home" as I have always known it - will never be opened again once I've left. I've got a seven year program ahead of me and once I complete it, I will be heading off into the unknown, returning only for visits and weddings and funerals and short "holidays by the sea." And I'm so SAD. And God is so NEAR to me right now. I want no part in looking back, and the verse above alone has kept my head above water this last week. He promises to restore - GOD does! Himself! The fingers of the Creator will literally put me back together in His way and His timing. Where else could I find such incredible love? Restoration, I think, implies brokeness, brokeness that is healed not by putting back the original materials, but by putting restoring materials where the original materials where in order to make the work stronger. If He requires me to be broken in order to make me stronger, firmer and somehow more steadfast, then thank God for the pain! Praise God for the weakness and hesitation and faltering on my part to keep on, because only in my desperation does He pick up the tools to work on this vessel this is finally willing. "And let patience have its perfect work, so that you may be mature and complete, LACKING NOTHING." Here's to admitting there is nothing good in me so that I eventually lack nothing. No one said it better than J. Eliot: He is no fool who loses what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.

Second Joke

There are three kinds of people in the world:

Those who can count

And those who can't.

Proud to Be A Christian?

I have a friend named Jenn. I am tempted to be proud to be called one her best friends. Jenn is cool. She is very funny, she is well-known, and she is beloved by anyone privileged enough to know her well. But I cannot be proud to be associated with Jenn. I’ve done nothing to deserve her friendship. She loves me and graces me with her life, and I am blessed and grateful. But not proud. Is this questionable to you? I cannot change my opinion on this subject, because inasmuch as I may be proud to be associated with one cool person, can I equally make an argument to be ashamed that I am not associated with another person whom I find cool but who has no desire to be my friend? If you are a good friend of mine, you would protest now: Catherine, you cannot get down on yourself because somebody does not want to be your friend! You cannot base your identity, good or bad, on those who love you. You are who you are because of Christ in you, only! So I pose this question: How is it that we may be proud that we are Christians? How is it that I may be proud to be associated with the name of Christ when I have done nothing to deserve it, and in fact have done everything in my nature to oppose this name, without His grace? How can I be proud when even Christ Himself was not proud to be God? "For He considered equality with God something not to be grasped....." I am grateful, ridiculously joyful, eternally wondrous, but not proud. I bear His name with joy and courage, I hope, given by Himself, but not pride. So am I just picking on words? When we, as one body in Christ, my church specifically, declare in a standing ovation and to thunderous applause that we are proud to be Christians, proud to be on the side fighting the war “literally good against evil," do we REALLY mean that we are proud? Yeah, I think we do. At the very least, it is not a spirit of humility. And I am so grieved. I cannot understand how a group of individuals whom I KNOW love Christ and are devoted to knowing Him can define the relationship between US and THEM as GOOD versus EVIL. I was evil only yesterday, before my identity was changed and I became the righteousness of God. And now I have a vision, similar to Paul’s dream of the man from Madagascar. My vision is of millions of people whose skin color is different than mine, who dress differently than I do, and whose culture I can never begin to understand, standing thronged together, with eyes pleading that I come share love and the grief of sin and the joy of Christ instead of distant pride that I am separated from their evil existence. I love my church. I love the people in my church and am humbled by a multitude of their lives. But I am desperately desperately sad that we are so quick to stand and cheer our allegiance to what we claim to be right instead of fall to our knees sobbing in mediation for those whose lives are separated from ours by a huge chasm of seas. I need prayer if you are reading this. I cannot stand in the pulpit and plead with my church with my tears, and I will not write an outraged letter to my pastor. So what is my voice? This grief in my soul is only possible by God’s whispering, and I know it is for a purpose. Should I join my church’s mission board, made up of only 65 years and older saints? Maybe. I don’t know. The last thing I want to do is turn this into a sneaky personal campaign to put missions on the map at my church. Should I pray hard for the body to be directed with a heart of Christ? Most definitely. Prayer is definitely in order. God of mercy, guard me from the weariness of cynicism and give me wisdom and let Christ revolutionize my body's hearts.