Original Passion

Struggling with the darkness of loneliness tonight. Unfortunately (or fortunately), that doesn't provide much in the way of blogging material. So, moving on to Struggle Number Two... Been wondering a lot lately if I ever have original passion. Beginning to realize how much goes over my head, in the way of innuendo or opinion. Always seem to see both sides of the argument; even can usually ARGUE both sides of the argument, sometimes with almost equal conviction. Used to think that meant I was reasonable. Not so sure anymore. Can't even guess at how many countless times I have walked out of a church service, a class, or a simple conversation with a group of people, who were all riled up about something that was said or insinuated, only to realize that I had no idea that I was supposed to have been offended. Maybe I'm just an idiot. Funny, cause I kinda thought I erred on the side of argumentative, but now that I think about it, I wonder if I've EVER taken up a cause I believed in that I came to believe on my own. Not that I think I have original thought or anything. Don' t think that's really possible for any of us anymore, unless we're inventing cold fusion or something else big and scary. But I also am starting to think that half the stuff I am so very passionate about is because the people I love and admire are passionate about those same things. Of course, not ALL of them believe in ALL the things I believe in at the same time, but you get what I mean. Had a great Bible teacher I loved and respected...poof, I'm part-Calvinist. Had a volleyball coach I adored who drilled in my head that we stop working when we die and not a day sooner... bam, I don't believe in the idea of retirement. Had a dad who was a police officer for twenty-three years...waalaa, I think firemen do 1/10 the work a police officer does. Interesting, now that I'm looking back. MAYBE the reason I "copy" these people's beliefs is because I admire their character and integrity and want to be like them, so I adopt things that unconsciously I agree with because of the PERSON who is promoting it. That's not so bad, probably; but it kind of seems like that's acceptable only up to a certain age, like, five or something. Then again, I know that mentoring is a good idea, and Biblical in fact, so I guess it's okay. On the other hand, why do I care what the Bible says to start with? Lots of answers pop up, but quite frankly, since I was a baby, people I loved and who loved me, made the Book out to be kind of a big deal. So I've never thought differently. Granted, I have my own reasons now, but still, wonder if/when/how I would have come to these same conclusions, if at all, given different circumstances/people. Put a little girl to bed tonight I was babysitting who told me she has never said prayers and didn't want to. Kinda think that's a huge tragedy, given that her parents had the opportunity to shape this mind they were given charge of, a mind that is so incredibly responsive to their leading right now, to love God, and they're kinda blowing it. So I'm kinda torn, because on one hand I (in humility) realize that God's sovereignty and shaping of my mind through the people in my life has brought me to this point with Him; on the other hand, my ego sort of wishes I was brilliant enough to see/discern/understand all things, or at least some things, okay, or even just ONE thing, on my own. Which probably puts me back at the original SIN, of wanting to be like God. Hmm... kinda coming full circle here. Somehow I have a strong feeling that I need to finish up my study of Ecclesiastes pretty soon...